chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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