you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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