Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
