mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
only if we run a train.
done.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
MIDGETS
????
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Randomize
