Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
