The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
