Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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