I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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