I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
