when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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