I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
