i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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