Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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