I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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