Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
