Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
