I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
