Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
