the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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