i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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