I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
