I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
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