I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
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