the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
