i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
