Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?