you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets