Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?