Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
