I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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