I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
