Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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