They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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