She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
