And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
