New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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