New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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