I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
