you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
