if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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