I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
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