Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
