I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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