I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Randomize
