I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
