Your dad touched me again.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
