Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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