I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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