these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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