Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
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Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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