I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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