he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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