I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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