remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
