I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So many bounce houses so little time
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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