Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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