did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
