I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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