I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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