i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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