so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
