i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
